Under the Ragged Moon
by D. M. Evans
Summary: Learning Angel has a huge problem, Buffy goes to help.
1. Chapter 1

UNDER THE RAGGED THORN

By D M Evans

Disclaimer - The only ones who are mine are Shea and her sons and they earn me no money. All else belong to Mr. Whedon and the poem belongs to Mr. Yeats.

Rating - PG -13

Pairings - B/A (mentions of B/S and C/A)

Time Line - AR of S5 of Angel

Summary - Learning Angel is caught in a large problem, Buffy goes to Ireland to help and is stunned by what she finds.

Author's Note - This is written for Maren as part of Leni's Secret Santa 2004. It is the sequel to _Here at Life's End_. It's not necessary to read that to understand and enjoy this story. All you need to know is the previous story went AR with I Home /I and Connor detonated several bombs at the mall, killing Cordelia and maiming himself. Angel has brought him to Ireland to recover.

But if you want to read I _Here at Life's End_ /I head here http/ Note #2 - Thanks to MAKD, SJ, Kristi, Leni and A2Z Mom for the various beta's on this. (let's see how many mistakes a total of 6 sets of eyes still missed cause I'm betting there're some!)

Author's Note # 3 - Going from what little ME gave us about Angel's past, I've extrapolated that Galway meant the city not the county and that if his father was a rich merchant there, he was most likely part of the fourteen tribes. That said, I've given Angel an appropriate last name (for those of you who don't like that, sorry) fitting the history of the town and what we know about him since this story is in part about him connecting with his past. Oh, and while I've been to hundreds of cemeteries in my restorations projects, I've yet to see one that didn't at least have a first name on the headstone unless an infant that was not yet name so I did bend canon a bit in describing Liam's grave.

_ I The mountain throws a shadow, _

_Thin is the moon's horn;_

_What did we remember _

_Under the ragged thorn? _

_Dread has followed longing,_

_And our hearts are torn._

_Love's Loneliness - William Butler Yeats_ /I 

CHAPTER ONE

Buffy didn't know what she was doing in Galway City. She had promised herself that she wouldn't go looking for Angel or Spike until she had found herself. After faking happiness in Rome, she learned going it alone wasn't the best idea. With all her friends scattered to the four winds, she wasn't sure how she ended up with Andrew. His incessant attempts to document her life had been driving her and the Immortal nuts.

Buffy found walking the path alone to be hollow. She missed everyone. She missed having her Watcher near. She missed having a real boyfriend. The Immortal was wealthy and handsome and she was just a prize to dangle off his arm. This wasn't how it was meant to be.

So, when a late night call just to hear Giles' voice had revealed Angel was in Ireland, Buffy found herself thinking about him. Giles had let slip that something very bad had happened and Angel had turned to the Watchers for help. Angel had asked that Buffy not be burdened with his new problems because he had made a promise to wait until she was ready to talk to him. She appreciated that Angel was keeping their bargain, and at the same time was irritated because she could tell from Giles' tone that Angel's problems were horrific. She thought Angel knew he could come to her when things were bad.

Maybe she hadn't made that clear. Maybe she had even told Angel otherwise. She could barely recall their last conversation after she took out Caleb. Giles had refused to tell her any details, saying it was Angel's story to tell. It had taken her nearly a month of arguing with herself before she got up the courage to face Angel. In the meantime, Spike had been resurrected from the amulet he had been trapped in and returned to flesh with the help of Wesley and someone called Fred back in L.A. She had spoken to Spike and the conversation had been surreal. She suspected Spike had moved on to this Fred person just from things he had said. She wished the best for him because she did love him but wasn't in love with him. The day he 'died,' Spike knew she wasn't in love with him and in their post-resurrection conversations, it was obvious he still felt some kind of emotional distance between them.

Finally, Buffy had left Andrew a note saying she had gotten called out on Slayer duties without saying where and had left in the middle of the night. She knew it was the coward's way out but she didn't want Andrew and his camera following her to Ireland. She told Giles where she was going and suggested assigning Andrew elsewhere. Buffy didn't know when she would be returning to Rome, and more importantly Andrew wasn't needed at her side. If he really wanted to be a Watcher, he would be better off with one of the new Slayers who needed far more help than she did. Buffy wanted only Giles as her Watcher.

Buffy had been in Ireland for a week, trying to work up the courage to find Angel. No, find was the wrong word. She knew where Giles said the vampire was. She just didn't know where to find the house and when she did finally go looking, she was surprised. She wasn't expecting a grand house with a view of the bay. It looked so sweet, so homey, so un-Angel.

Buffy knocked and felt the sweat starting to trickle down her body and slick her hands. She hated being this nervous. It was like she was a teen again, trying to work up the courage to ask out the captain of the football team. To her surprise, a red-haired woman answered the door. She was around Giles' age, maybe a little younger, very pretty.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I think I have the wrong house," Buffy said, glancing around trying to be certain of the house number.

"No, Slayer, you have the right one. Giles said you'd be coming but I didn't think it would take you this long to get here. Come on in. I'm Shea." The redhead stepped back from the door.

"Angel's here?" Buffy asked, unable to move.

"Yes, love, he is but you didn't expect him to open his own ruddy door in the bright light of day now did you?" Shea smiled.

Buffy grinned sheepishly. For a brief moment, Buffy wished Angel had Shea's accent. What was it about accents? "I guess I'm a bit too nervous to be thinking straight."

"Ah, men will do that to you, dear. Come on in, Buffy. I've already set up a guest room in anticipation. Let me show you there first then I'll take you to our resident quare hawk."

Buffy's kaleidoscope eyes stared hard. "That last thing again in English please."

Shea laughed, leading Buffy upstairs. "Quare is one of those funny words, with a couple of meanings. A quare hawk is a strange person and Angel is that, at least as far as vampires go. Now a quare lad, that's a boy who likes other boys, just so you don't make that mistake." Shea smirked and showed Buffy into a cozy little room with its view of the water half-shaded by lace curtains. The curtains matched the lace bedspread. Buffy hadn't seen so many feminine touches since her mom had passed away. She felt a pang of loss for the first time in a while then guilt over having not thought about Mom in awhile.

A worried expression clouded Shea's pale face. "Is the room all right?"

"Yes, it's lovely."

"You'll find a sword and a crossbow in the wardrobe and stakes and holy water in the hope chest should it be needed," Shea added as casually as if it were an every day thing to need such items.

Buffy gave her a wry look. "I left all of my stuff in the hotel."

"Plenty of time to bring it round." Shea beckoned. "Angel's this way. And tell your Watcher he needs to come round for a visit." The redhead pointed to a door. "I'll be downstairs should you need me."

Buffy took a deep breath, telling herself this was ridiculous, being so nervous. This was Angel. She knew him deeply. No matter what, he'd be glad to see her. She had seen agony in his eyes that last time in Sunnydale, some unspeakable grief weighing on him even as he handed over the amulet. She hadn't asked. She couldn't have taken on any more pain. She was already dealing with too much with the First Evil.

She still loved him. Spike knew it. He hadn't even entertained the idea that she had feelings for him as well. Would she tell Angel about that? He already knew about her and Spike. No, she wouldn't tell him, at least not right away. Angel had a problem; that had to come first. She tapped on the door hesitantly.

"Come in."

At Angel's invite, she slowly opened the door. Buffy wasn't prepared to see two beds in a room that smelled stale like a hospital. It took a second to realize that that's exactly what it was; a hospital sick room complete with several pieces of medical equipment Buffy didn't know the names of. Angel sat next to the bed, a book in hand. His eyes filled with emotion upon seeing her.

He set the book down and was across the room so fast Buffy didn't know what was happening. She found herself swept up in his arms, her lips pressed to his. It felt like time stopped and the only thing that existed was them. Finally, after time resumed moving, he broke the kiss.

Angel smoothed her hair and asked "What are you doing here? Giles must have told you where to find me."

"I hope you're not angry."

His expression said that was the most ludicrous thing he ever heard. "Of course not."

"He said you were having trouble, and I'm sorry it took me so long to come help. I..." Buffy trailed off. She had no good excuse for her actions so she decided not to make any. "I don't understand this." She gestured to the young man in the bed.

Angel took her hand. "Come here. There's someone I want you to meet. We were just finishing a chapter in our book before lunch." He took her over to the bed.

Buffy looked at the thin young man trying not to see the thing that was taped over his mouth, hissing ominously, nor the metal pins and bars encircling and invading his legs. His blue eyes were open and fixed on her in a way that chilled her to the bone.

"Buffy, this is Connor. He was hurt in an explosion. He can hear us though and hopefully he'll be able to talk to us soon. The x-ray tech is coming this afternoon and hopefully the Ilizarov devices and the trach tube will come out tomorrow," Angel said excitedly.

Buffy couldn't understand it. Who was this boy and why did Angel care so much? He wasn't a friend that she knew and she couldn't imagine Angel in such a protective nursing role. He seemed so different with this boy that Buffy barely recognized him. "Who is he, Angel? Why are you here with him?"

Angel looked at Connor then back to her. She couldn't decipher the strange look in his eyes but felt the frisson of fear that it caused inside her. "He's my son, Buffy."

She couldn't make her mouth work nor swallow past the lump in her throat. The words Angel spoke didn't make any sense. It was obviously not a vampire lying in the bed and that was the only child Angel was capable of having. She watched the heart monitor carrying out its steady beat. If she touched him, she knew Connor would be warm. She couldn't have heard Angel correctly. "What?"

"He's my son," Angel said, reaching for her.

Buffy recoiled, curling her arms in to her chest. "That's not possible. He's alive."

Angel's hand dropped. "I know."

"So all this time you've been lying to me?" Her voice was ragged and spiteful and she hated herself for it. "Telling me you were leaving all those years ago because you couldn't give me normal things like a child and you've had one all along?"

Angel's shoulders slumped, his eyes glistening. Buffy had never seen him so quickly moved to emotion. She saw how raw he was, barely holding himself together. She almost regretted her harsh tone. "No. It's far more complicated than that. Connor's special...and he's not quite two years old, or just a little past two. I've lost track. He grew up in another dimension, a different time flow...I wanted to explain it to you but there was..."

"Never time," she broke in. "There never is. " She backed away. "I...I can't deal with this."

Buffy wheeled around and thundered down the stairs. She reached the front door and almost tore it open then stopped. This was insane. What was she helping by running away? Connor...this son, had to be the problem Giles refused to discuss with her. Her Watcher had known. How long had he known? Buffy hunted down Shea. She was in a library Giles would kill for but unlike his dark little room, this one was full of windows letting the sun spill in off Galway Bay.

Shea met her halfway across the room and pressed a glass of amber liquid into her hand. "Didn't go well."

"You expected as much," Buffy said, lifting the glass to her nose. The smoky scent promised it would hurt going down. She took a tentative taste, trying not to make a face.

"A drop of good Irish whiskey never went awry," Shea said, settling back down into one of the soft, over stuffed chairs. She picked up a huge leather-bound tome as if going back to work but she didn't open it.

A drop? Considering the crystal-contained ocean she held, Buffy hated to think what Shea might consider a real drink. "Thanks. Giles knows, doesn't he?"

"About our wee man? Yes, he does," Shea said, tucking a stray lock of red hair behind her ear.

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"Because I asked him not to."

Buffy twisted around, hearing Angel's voice. The vampire stood in the doorway, looking like a whipped puppy. It was an expression Buffy hadn't ever seen on his broad face before. "Why?"

"Because I should have been the one to tell you. I didn't want you hearing about Connor from anyone but me," he replied.

"So why didn't you tell me?" Buffy's hand convulsed on the whiskey glass but she managed to rein in her temper before she had a handful of broken crystal. "Oh, that's right, there wasn't time." She glared at Angel; he had no comment.

Shea cleared her throat, getting up. "I'll go check on lunch. Try not to break anything or each other. I've got enough messes to clean up around here."

Buffy watched the Watcher leave. "Are you just going to stand there?" she asked crossly.

Angel gestured to the windows, moving as far into the sunlit room as he could.

"Oh." Buffy sank into a chair, feeling the rage draining out of her along with her strength.

"Do you want me to tell you about Connor now? I don't have very good reasons for never telling you about him, but I have a few...or would you rather I just go?" He leaned against the wall, letting the shadows absorb him.

Buffy didn't answer at first, wishing she knew what to do or say. She wanted to just go. This was too hard. Every time she was with Angel, things were too hard. She loved him and he always made her hurt inside. Spike, at least, had been easy; that was just losing herself until she had lost far too much. "Tell me," she said at last.

Angel did something that surprised her. He sank to the floor, resting against the wall as if he needed it for support, as if he might collapse entirely if it weren't there. She was used to him prowling the room, full of energy, never knowing what to do with those big hands of his. Angel seemed so broken that she wanted to put aside her hurt and anger and just hold him. He started telling her about his 'miracle' child. He didn't get further than Darla's name before she interrupted him and he had to explain how Wolfram and Hart had brought the vampire back as a sick and dying mortal woman.

"They could do that...bring back a dusted vampire as a living being?" Buffy's breath caught. She could have had Angel or Spike back as breathing, warm-blooded men. Why had Angel never done it?

He got up and crossed over to her but was kept from her side by the swath of sunlight. He sat at the golden border, looking up at her. "I considered what you're thinking, Buffy. It would only hurt a little...I think, to die again. We had the spell. Wesley could have cast it. Granted you had to have a half dozen vampires present and their deaths and dust get bound up into the spell to make me whole and human again. Who would miss vampires?"

"What stopped you?" Buffy knew there had to be a reason.

"As we read the spell, we realized the part I had witnessed, the part with the killing of vampires, was the final step. There were others...vile, disgusting things that the spell required. There was a loss of innocent lives before that last step." He shook his head. "I couldn't put my humanity above the lives that would be lost to regain it. There might be other ways to regain my humanity."

"I don't understand," she said, sipping at the whiskey. Angel explained the shanshu and realizing there were other important things he had been keeping from her, Buffy felt something dying inside her. "Why would you not tell me this...that you could become...human?"

"Because I have no idea when it will happen. Why give you hope for something that might not be granted by the Powers until long after you're gone?" Pain made his voice tight. "I didn't want you wasting your life waiting for something that might be centuries in coming."

Her fingers felt numb. Buffy set the whiskey glass down before it fell. She slipped from the chair, puddling before Angel, keeping that band of broken sunlight between them. He reached into it and stroked her face with smoking fingers before withdrawing them to the shadows. He started telling her, tears trickling down his face, about fighting to save Darla's life and failing, of his fall from grace and how he had tried to lose his soul. He told her how hitting rock bottom turned him around and how he was gifted with his child, the payment for his sacrifices on Darla's behalf. She thought about the time line, wondering why he hadn't turned to her then realized that was when she was frantically trying to keep Dawn safe from Glory.

"Why didn't you tell me when Connor was born? Did you think I wouldn't want to see him or be part of his life?" Buffy whispered, taking his pain into her, making it her own.

"In one word, Holtz," he replied and went on to explain to her who Holtz was and why his hatred had spanned centuries. He told her about Holtz taking Connor to the darkest of hells and his fight to get him back.

"But why didn't you tell me? I could have helped you," she insisted, thinking she knew why. She was still reeling from being stolen from Heaven and Angel confirmed that was why he hadn't turned to her. He let slip about him and Cordelia as he explained that horrible time trying to find his son. "Cordelia?" was all she could say, part accusation, part incredulity.

"She had been with me for three years, Buffy. Lorne and Fred seemed convinced we were meant to be together...I should have realized better when she dropped me the moment Groo arrived." There was fury in Angel's voice but Buffy could tell it was directed at himself for some perceived shortcoming rather than at Cordelia. Maybe he simply didn't want to speak ill of the dead, she mused. He explained how Connor came back from Quor-Toth full of hate for him and how he had exacted his revenge for a murder Angel didn't commit.

Buffy leaned forward, capturing his hands as he told her about his entrapment under the ocean, of Cordy's return from another plane and her rejection of him, of the thing taking control of her making her seduce his son, of how he thought Connor had betrayed him, of the hell goddess that Cordelia had given birth to, of how Connor had killed his own daughter and gone mad. He ended with the horrors of the mall, Cordelia dying and Connor maiming himself in the explosions. Buffy didn't have to ask why Angel didn't turn to her. Between his sojourn into Angelus-land and her dealing with the First, there was little to be said, but she would have words with Willow and Faith for keeping this secret.

"You knew, didn't you, that the amulet would kill you when you brought it to me," Buffy said softly.

Angel moved back as the sun advanced on him. "I wanted it to. Wolfram and Hart were putting Connor back together but I had little hope of him surviving. I wanted to join him and helping you one last time seemed like the best death I could hope for."

Buffy's lips trembled and she couldn't make words come at first. "But why did Wolfram and Hart help?"

"They wanted me to work for them. I don't know why yet. I wasn't supposed to run away to Ireland. They didn't expect me to turn to the Watchers for help. Wes, Gunn, Lorne, and Fred are working for them, trying to figure it out from the inside. There's a reason, don't doubt it. Now, Spike's helping them, taking over the role that was meant for me." Angel shook his head. "I can barely function most days. I sit here with my son, wishing for him to either get better or give up and let go of his life. For weeks I was afraid to close my eyes because it looked likely he wouldn't be alive when I woke up." A shudder shook Angel's big body. "Now, he's beginning to heal again...he usually heals like a vampire or a Slayer. No one knows what it means that it's taking so long. Maybe he gave up. Maybe he wants to die and can't because I interfered."

"Do you know..." Buffy's voice broke. Her stomach twisted. "Is he sane now?"

Angel turned from her, scrying the shadows for answers. "He could be brain damaged. He might still be insane. He might never get better than he is now. Until just a few days ago, all I did was sit with him all day and go out every night getting drunk, trying to forget it all. Shea and I had a big talk a few nights ago...I don't know what I'd do without her. I know now everything I did wrong with Connor...and what I did right. All I want is for the doctors to come by and tell me that horrible tube can come out of his throat. I don't care about the things holding his legs together. I know that'll heal but I need to hear my son's voice. I need to know if there's anything left inside him. I don't want to have to pour Ensure through a tube they punctured into his belly to feed him...and I should have told Shea I didn't get to feed Connor before coming down here to talk to you." Angel fretted, looking at the door.

"She probably figured it out, Angel," Buffy said placatingly, wondering what exactly Shea's role was in this house.

Angel got up regardless. "I have to check on him." He looked down at her. "I'm so sorry, Buffy. I don't know...I can't take it all back and do it again or I would. Can you forgive me?"

She wanted to say yes, of course, there was no need to ask but she heard herself telling him she needed time. She saw the crushed look in his eyes.

He just nodded and turned from her. "Please stop by the kitchen and have a bite to eat. Shea will be hurt if you don't...only don't eat the black pudding."

"But I like pudding."

He glanced over his shoulder smiling. "It's a mix of pig's blood and livers. Traditional Irish but I don't think you'll care for it."

Buffy made a face and watched him go. She fumbled for the glass of whiskey and pounded it back. She gasped as the smoky liquid burned down her throat and settled like ingested sunlight in her belly. She followed her nose to the kitchen, which was redolent with the smells of fresh baked bread and onions and some kind of meat. Shea was pounding dough on the floured counter top. She looked up, smiling.

"I heard nothing breaking. Good on you," Shea said. "Sit. I can get you a bite to eat."

"Um...there's no black pudding is there?" Buffy asked warily as she sat at the table.

Shea grinned. "Angel warned you, did he? No, I have a nice Dublin Coddle for you and some soda bread." Shea sat a bowl in front of Buffy; it was filled with something that smelled delicious.

"Which is?" Buffy eyed it nervously.

"Not a hint of blood," Shea promised, adding thick, warm slices of soda bread to the table. "The best bacon bits, sausage, potatoes and onions cooked with a wee bit of hard cider for taste."

Buffy had no appetite after everything she had just learned but after one bite she was suddenly ravenous. She ate voraciously. "What are you making?" she asked around a mouthful of rich, dense bread.

"Guinness bread. My sons love it," Shea replied.

Buffy wondered if everything in Ireland came with alcohol. "Need help?"

"Do you cook?" Shea eyed her critically.

Buffy shrugged. "I'm not so good but I try."

Shea nodded. "I find it therapeutic. I'm a nurturer by nature. I probably should be getting one of those new Slayers you made, Buffy."

Buffy considered that, figuring Shea probably would get a new Slayer. They were very short of Watchers, after all. "Why are you here with Angel or is it the other way around?"

"This is my place. Rupert asked me to care for our wee man. I'm nurse by trade. Usually I patch up other Watchers but I could hardly turn down a unique challenge like this one," Shea said, humping the dough into three balls.

Buffy thought on the pain in Angel's eyes. "Will Connor recover?"

Shea put damp, warm towels over the bread. "I think that he will recover physically. I can't speak for his state of mind."

Buffy set her fork aside, having powered through the Coddle. "Do you want me to do the dishes?"

Shea shook her head. "Set them in the sink. Fiona will get them. She's a junior Watcher. I'd introduce you but she's out gathering some magical herbs. She's a right good witch. Is there anything else I can get you?"

Buffy sighed. "No...Angel was worried about Connor getting fed."

"I took care of it. Angel likes to fret." Shea smiled gently. "When he's not out at the pub getting pissed, that is."

Buffy smiled not needing a translation for that thanks to hanging around Spike. "I've never seen him drunk."

"Pitiful, it is." The Watcher wagged her head. "A drunk vampire is a sad sight."

Buffy nodded. "I've seen it," she said, thinking about Spike. "Just not with Angel. I just wish he would have asked for my help somewhere along the line...maybe this wouldn't have happened."

"Men aren't much on asking for help in my experience," Shea said. "Quare, each and every one of them, including my poor Danny."

"Your husband?"

"Once upon a lifetime ago. Another Watcher. He was killed when our boys were still in diapers," Shea said sadly.

Buffy didn't want to imagine it. "How many boys do you have?"

"Just the twins. I had a daughter, Caitlin, but she was killed a few years back," Shea said. "Are you going to go up with him?" She nodded at the ceiling.

Buffy wanted to but she couldn't bring herself to go back into that room. "I think I need to take a walk."

"Mind if I come with you, at least for a bit?" Shea asked. "I need to get to the market and buy mussels and to stop off at Sheridan's Cheesemongers. I promised Ryan and Scully I'd make some Guinness mussels. They've been staying with their Gram for the last few weeks so as to be out of the way. Sixteen-year-old boys can make a bloody loud racket when they set their minds to it. Besides, me mum wants to teach them some spells before she dies."

"I'm sorry your mother is sick," Buff said quickly, thoughts of Joyce flashing in her mind's eye.

Shea laughed. "There's nothing wrong with her beyond an Irish sense of drama. She's always dying, has been for decades. Do you like mussels?"

Buffy shrugged. "I've never really tried them."

"I'll make extra. They won't go to waste," Shea assured her. "You'll just have to beat my sons off of them."

Shea walked with Buffy and directed her down Kirwan Lane to look at the shops and let herself not think about it all. Shea promised it was the best medicine. Buffy wasn't about to argue. Shopping could be a cure-all, as she well knew. She bought a few small things for Willow and Dawn but it didn't quite take away her pain. Buffy did her best to just lose herself in the bustle of Galway City.

It was much later than Buffy had realized when she finally returned to Shea's house. She had her luggage in tow. Shea was doing something very un-Watcher like; she was watching TV. She looked over the arm of the couch at Buffy.

"There's some ham and cheese sandwiches in the fridge if you haven't eaten. Help yourself."

"Is Angel here?"

Shea shook her head. "He went out. He didn't say where he was going. Probably doing the same thing you were, walking the city."

"You're probably right."

If that was what he was doing it was the first Angel-like thing he had done since this morning. Buffy got herself one of the thick ham and farmer's cheese sandwiches and went upstairs. She dropped off her luggage and went to Angel's room just in case he had come in and Shea hadn't heard him. He wasn't in but she saw Connor's eyes on her. Sandwich in hand, she went in and saw the TV was on, featuring a show she had never seen. Connor's eyes tracked her as she crossed the room.

"I hope I didn't wake you up," she said and remembered he couldn't talk, not with the tube down his throat. His eyes met hers. He looked bored. His gaze flicked to the TV then back to her. She looked at the TV. "Do you want it off?" She used the remote and killed the TV. "I'm Buffy. Your dad introduced us this morning. I'm a good friend of his." Buffy watched his brow furrow a bit.

Did he understand her? Did he wonder who she was? Was he aware enough to be afraid of a stranger? "He's so proud of you, but I'm sure you know that. He was telling me about how hard life's been for you. I know how life can suck, trust me. I should introduce you to Dawn, that's my sister. She's like you, a little different." Buffy bit her lip, realizing she was babbling. She just didn't know what to do so talking seemed the safest. She could do that without really looking at him and thinking about how uncomfortable the tube down his throat had to be. The same went for the metal circles around his legs. He couldn't even move in the bed much.

She sat in the chair next to the bed and his eyes tracked her. She was sure that he understood some of what she was saying and was paying more attention to her than he had been to the TV. That was a good sign, right? "I hope you don't mind me eating in front of you. I forgot dinner."

He blinked at her. She had no idea what that meant, if anything. Buffy took the book off the night stand. She was surprised at the cover. "Angel's reading you, _Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone?_" She smiled. "Sorry. That's just so weird. Angel's just not a bastion of things pop culture. Me, I love Harry. I especially like Ron. Willow, Xander, Dawn, and I - they're all friends of Angel's, too - we would just sit around the TV with a big thing of popcorn and watch the movies." Did she just see his eyes flick to the book? "Do you want me to read this to you?" His eyes definitely came up to meet hers. "Okay. Don't mind me still munching on the sandwich though, okay?"

Connor didn't seem to mind. She started reading to him. It was harder to read out loud than she thought it would be, stumbling here and there like it was fifth period English class all over again. She remembered reading to Dawn when she was a little girl, even though Buffy knew it never happened. She was convinced Connor seemed more relaxed after she got into the swing of things. She was halfway through reading him a second chapter when she heard someone in the doorway. She glanced up and Angel was standing there, smiling so broadly she thought his smile would jump off his face and be continued on hers.

She set the book aside and crossed over to him. "I hope you don't mind. He was awake when I peeked in and I don't know...he seemed bored with the TV. Does that make sense?" she shrugged. "It just seems like he was listening to me and liked hearing my voice."

Angel took her hand, drawing her out into the carpeted hallway. "Thank you for sitting with him. He likes people to read to him. I know he does. It's just like you said. You can see the difference in his face when something he likes is on TV or when you're reading him something he likes. It gives me hope he'll recover some day. We've tried to get him to write, to communicate with us but he won't...but I think he can still. He's just not ready."

Buffy wanted to ask what happened if Connor was never ready but she knew the answer. Angel would wait on his son forever if he needed to. "I'm sorry I walked out of the house this morning."

He held up a hand. "You don't have to explain, Buffy. I dumped a lot on you on top of not telling you about Connor in the first place." He moved passed her into the room. He stroked his son's hair. Connor's eyes were half shut. "I think you're sleepy, Connor. Let go and go to sleep. Buffy can read more to you tomorrow." He looked over his shoulder at her as if to ask 'will you be here?'

Buffy went over to the bed. "I sure will." She smiled at Connor. His eyes canted up to hers then shut. She took Angel's hand. "If you want me to, that is."

He squeezed her hand. "There's no place else I'd rather you be."

"I'll be staying here for a few days," Buffy said, not willing to commit to more than that just yet. "If that's okay."

He smiled at her. "It's fine. You look tired. Maybe you ought to get some sleep, too. I'm going to sit up with him for a while longer."

Buffy wanted to point out that maybe he needed a break. She didn't. She put her arms around him and whispered, "I forgive you." She fled the room before he could say anything. She willed him not to come after her as she took refuge in her room. She got her wish.


	2. Disappointments

CHAPTER TWO

Buffy woke disoriented. It took a few long moments for her to put it together where she was. No sunlight streamed through her curtains and she had no idea what time it was. The bed was too warm and comfortable for her to want to worm her way free but she forced herself up. It was daylight after all, she discovered looking out the window at the morning drizzle. She stumbled down the hall to the bathroom and tried to wake up to the piney scents of the soap provided for her.

After getting dressed, she caught scent of breakfast and let it lure her down the stairs. Shea was in the kitchen wearing bright surgical scrubs. She smiled at Buffy. "I timed it right, easy to do with all the groaning the old pipes in this place do. Did you sleep well?"

Buffy nodded. "Better than I thought. You didn't have to cook me breakfast, Shea. I can fend for myself."

"Nonsense. You're a guest here." Shea set a plate on the table then got a tea cup out and pulled the towel off a bowl of bread. "I have to go work with the wee man so the only company you'll have is a ragged old cat if you see him. His name is Shadow. You'll know him when you see him. Elf is probably around, too. She's a skinny little feline."

Shea left Buffy with her breakfast. Buffy could only stare at it for a moment unprepared for the sheer amount of food. Two eggs shone up like twin suns surrounded by sausages, two slabs of ham, grilled tomatoes and two round pieces of something Buffy couldn't identify, one black and the other a greyish-white. She picked up a hunk of brown bread and spread the butter over it before using it to break a yolk. She savored the richness of the bread as she poured tea for herself, dolloping in cream and sugar. It had been a long time since she had sat down to something this delicious, not since her mom died.

Buffy allowed herself to miss Joyce for a few moments. A sound broke her out of her reverie. An enormous black cat sauntered in. He sat next to her chair, gazing up at her with golden eyes. "You must be Shadow."

"He's a shameless beggar," Angel said, peeking around the kitchen door, assessing how far into the room he could get.

"Well, Shea made enough food for an army," Buffy said, gesturing to the plate.

"That's a traditional Irish breakfast. You need strength to face our weather," Angel assured her. "Eat, enjoy. Don't give the cat too much bacon."

Buffy looked at her plate in a panic. She couldn't possibly eat more than what was already on the plate and she hadn't spotted bacon. "I don't see any bacon. Is it hiding under the ham?"

"That ham is Irish bacon," he replied.

"And this." Buffy pointed to the black roundel. "Is it what I think it is?"

He grinned. "It's black pudding."

"Get it off my plate, please." She held it out to him and Angel plucked the blood sausage off. He bit into it, obviously enjoying it. Buffy shuddered.

Angel raised an eyebrow. "I am a vampire, after all."

She stuck out her tongue. "I know but there's something even grosser about it all cooked up."

"That's because you're American." Angel waved her off. "Blood sausages are popular all over Europe. Didn't you ever see sanguinacci while you were in Italy?"

Buffy's eyes turned into round marbles. "That's blood sausage? I'm so glad I never ate that. It looked gross."

"In some areas of Italy, they even add candied citron, pine nuts, walnuts, sugar, and chocolate." Angel's eyes gleamed greedily. "It's so sweet and others smother it with sweet cream."

"You're ruining my appetite," she warned. "Just eat your sausage and hush. What's the white thing?"

He took another bite. "White pudding."

Buffy's brow knit. "That's not helpful."

Angel gave her the same look Joyce used to when it came to convincing her to eat her Brussel Sprouts. "Beef suet, oatmeal and maybe some garlic and barley."

"Suet, that's fat right?" she asked and he nodded. She tossed the white pudding to Shadow and the cat dug in. "You're up early." Buffy glanced toward the door, hearing someone coming in and wheels rolling along the flooring.

"They're taking Connor to the hospital."

Buffy's head snapped up, breakfast forgotten. "What happened?"

Angel held up a hand, popping the last of the sausage into his mouth. "He's fine. They're taking out the trach tube and the fixators. His ribs are all healed and his legs are almost repaired. He's getting better."

Buffy reached for the tea she had transformed into a confection more so than a beverage. "I'm so glad."

Angel nodded, his eyes suddenly turning misty. "It's all I've wanted since it happened." He brushed at his face. "Do you think it's wrong, to let the lie go? About the mall, I mean. Wolfram and Hart spun a story about the bomber dying."

"Do you honestly believe Connor was insane at the time?" Buffy countered.

Angel didn't even hesitate. "He had to kill his own child, Buffy. He was torn apart with grief. If I know anything, it was he was mad at the time of the bombing."

Buffy regarded her plate of food. "We haven't re-incarcerated Faith, and we know she willingly killed those people. Willow murdered someone in her grief and we've forgiven her that." Buffy shrugged. "Maybe both of those things were wrong. Maybe we should have punished Xander for summoning Sweet and all the people who died as a result but we didn't. Andrew helped kidnap, rape and murder a girl. Hell, he tried to kill me, Xander, and Dawn at some point and yet we've done nothing to him. I'm not sure there's anyone outside of Dawn who doesn't have innocent blood on their hands." She sipped the tea, thinking maybe she herself killed a few of those monks tossing them off the RV.

She puffed at a stray strand of hair hanging in her face. "I guess I'm saying, I don't think it's wrong. Or maybe it is but the way our lives are, the things we have to do, things no one else can do, we're needed more here in the world than we are behind bars." She frowned. "Did I just say that the rules don't apply to us?"

"Sort of but there is a twisted truth to it. It's not like most of us wanted to hurt anyone nor would we have if we had been thinking straight. I did my best to put Faith back on track, to let her find her way to help the world instead of hurting it. I can't do less for my son." Angel sounded so desperate that Buffy wondered who he was trying to convince, her or himself. "It was my fault, Buffy. If I hadn't messed up so badly with him, it would never have come to this."

Buffy said nothing to that. She knew Angel well enough to know he'd take the blame even if he wasn't responsible. He was like Marley dragging around chains, some he didn't even earn. Maybe he had messed up. She had no way of knowing. "Truth is, we'll be the only ones who know what Connor did, or Faith or Willow."

Angel nodded as Shadow wound between his legs, rubbing on his calves, purring loud enough for Buffy to hear. "I'm going underground. I need to get to the hospital. There won't be windows in the recovery room, and I don't want Connor to wake up from surgery alone."

"Can you get there safely?" she asked, sampling the grilled tomatoes.

"Not easily but it can be done." Angel reached down and scratched Shadow's head. "I go every time they take him in for tests."

"I'll go with you." Her eyes met his. "If you want me to."

The look of appreciation on his face told her all she needed to know. "Finish eating." He gestured to the meal. "We have time. And thank you."

Buffy finished the heavy breakfast and almost wished she hadn't or at least wished she had gone the normal, human way to the hospital. The stink of the underground pathways tied her gut into knots. She thought she'd be used to it after so many years as the Slayer but she wasn't sure she could ever get used to it. What was Angel thinking, with his superior senses, in a place like this or did he just not breathe? No air in meant no scent, right? She didn't dare open her mouth and ask. She just concentrated on doing as little breathing as possible as she followed him.

Shea met them at the hospital and informed them that Connor was still in surgery. She left them in the waiting room. Buffy followed in Angel's wake as he paced around. She hated hospitals. She wondered if he knew that.

"Does Shea work here?"

He shook his head. "She does private nursing but she always comes with Connor."

"I hate hospitals," she announced, dropping into one of the uncomfortable orange chairs in the waiting area. "I've spent too much time in them."

He came to roost next to her. "I know." His big hand covered hers. "That's what makes you coming with me even more important to me."

She smiled at him. "I'm glad to do it."

Angel's hands did their typical 'I don't know what to do with them dance' as he squirmed around nervously. "Talk to me," he instructed. "About anything so I don't think about what they're doing to my son in there."

"How does it feel to be home, Angel? I mean, this is home, isn't it?" She knew he was from Ireland, of course, but she couldn't remember if he ever told her where exactly. It made sense he'd want to come home but then again maybe he was here because this was where Giles had arranged for help for him.

"It's home. Mostly, it feels like a place I've never been and yet at the same time, there is a feeling of homecoming." He moved his hand off hers. "It's hard to describe. I came here hoping to heal myself, as much as for Connor and it's finally working."

"It's beautiful here," she said and meant it.

He smiled faintly. "You're getting to see the world, hunting down all those new Slayers."

She nodded. "Mostly Willow, Xander, Dawn, and Giles are doing the hunting. Faith and I are doing training and handling the big problems. It was getting so hard...I ruined a lot of girls' lives, Angel. I took away their nice normal lives." Buffy shuddered. She tried not to think about that. It hurt too much realizing the enormity of her actions, all the ramifications that had yet to be fully realized.

"You did what you had to. Sometimes that's harder than we're ready for. Think of it this way, maybe the balance has been tipped. Just one Slayer, easy as she was to avoid if you had a brain in your head, was enough to scare most demons. Imagine what an army of Slayers can do, the fear they can instill," Angel said, looking nervous at the idea.

Buffy thought about it and laughed softly. "You were really afraid of Slayers?"

He looked embarrassed. "Wary. Angelus had too much..."

"Brass balls?" she interjected.

He snorted. "Exactly, to be afraid. But I was smart enough to make sure I was nowhere near the Slayer." A smile slide across his face.

It mystified Buffy. "What?"

"I was just remembering telling Spike about the Slayers. It was like telling your kids about the bogey man and that idiot immediately set out to find the Slayer, which at the time I thought, by all means go. With any luck, she'll dust you and I'll get Dru another play toy." He seemed to relish the idea and Buffy realized just how long the antagonism between the two souled vampires had existed.

Buffy looked away, her hands knotting over her knees. She took a deep breath in. "Angel, about Spike..."

"You don't have to tell me anything about that, Buffy. You had your reasons. I don't really want to know about them. Does that make me selfish? I don't know. I know I hate the idea of you two and I'd rather not know more than I already do, unless you really need help with it," he said, his eyes hot on her. "All I'll say on the matter is Spike is obsessive. I know him. I made him into the creature that he is. He's quick to tell anyone that. He was the closest thing I had to a son until Connor. I know what he's like and how he treats women. Maybe the soul will make a difference. I don't know the kind of man he was before we made him into a monster."

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest. She wasn't expecting him to say anything like that. She was prepared for another twelve year old snit or display of rage. "I never thought about it that way. I did think that he was trying to become you to make me care for him. I guess getting a soul would count as an obsession. But in the end, he didn't believe that I did care for him."

"He believed you. He told me. I've spoken to him...it's rather easier on the phone than in person. We aren't tempted to hit each other this way," Angel admitted. "He knew he was going to die. He didn't want you heartbroken over it."

"I don't even want to know what you're thinking about all of this." She bit the inside of her lip, trying to rein in her emotions. Did it change anything knowing Spike did believe her? Did it make her a bad person if the answer was no; that she liked it better the other way because it was easier?

"I haven't thought much about it. I've poured everything I had into taking care of Connor. I can't live your life for you, Buffy. You know how I feel. I'll own up to being a jealous man. You already know that." He seemed keenly disappointed in himself having that flaw. "I try to control it. That's what I'm doing now but in the end, I can't control how you feel. I can't force you to chose between us or chose neither of us...or both."

"Both?" She blinked.

"You would not be the first woman we've shared," he said bluntly without apology nor with any enthusiasm for trying to do so again should she want that. "Sometimes the sharing isn't equal and it causes fights but we've done it."

"That's why Spike sided with me against you when you were Angelus," she said, trying not to think about what it was like to share two men. Did that have any appeal to her?

He snorted. "I'm not surprised. I was rubbing it in pretty hard that Dru was mine first, his second. He loved her, Buffy, he really did and he was just as obsessive with her. I don't need to tell you that. You've seen it."

She nodded. This was far too hard. She didn't want to think about it. "Maybe we shouldn't talk about this now...here."

Angel put up his hands. "I've said all I really intend to. Spike and I won't be getting any older, Buffy. We have all the time in the world to wait...in theory."

"But even undead hearts move on," she said, thinking about how Spike talked about Fred.

"Sometimes yes," Angel said and she wondered if he meant himself or Spike. Given what he had been doing the last few months, he could only mean Shea if he referred to himself. She couldn't picture Angel and the Watcher. Maybe it was just metaphorical or did he know something about Spike she didn't? That was entirely possible. He leaned forward, looking down the hall. "How long can it take to remove all that hardware?"

"It's not something you want them rushing through," she told him gently.

He sat back, looking unhappy with that reality.

"Is there anything I can get you, Angel? There's probably some bad coffee in a vending machine," Buffy said, uncomfortable with the silence but she had no idea what exactly to say.

He shook his head. "Just being here is enough. I know you don't have to be."

"Maybe not but I want to be. I want to help. It's what friends do." Buffy looked at him willing him to believe that. How often had he tried to help her and she push him away? Maybe he thought they weren't even friends any more. Of course, he'd have to discount the last Hellmouth kiss and the one yesterday.

Angel said nothing, just slumped in his seat more. She took his cool hand, marveling at how big it was, how lost hers looked in it. It was then she realized he was wearing his claddagh. Had he ever taken it off? She didn't remember seeing it the last time she saw him. Maybe he had dusted it off when he came to Ireland. Her finger brushed it and he looked at her. He said nothing but there was a question in his eyes.

"I lost mine when Sunnydale fell into a smoking pit," she said, feeling more regret than she expected.

His fingers interlaced with hers. "You lost everything, that's an incredible thing to try to get over, Buffy. You had everything stripped away, right down to your mother's grave. I'm sorry you had to go through something like that."

"I've been angry for so long at you for not trying to at least call me," she admitted. "I didn't know then what you've been going through. I can understand now but I've been furious for weeks that you didn't check up on me."

"What are you talking about?" Angel's fingers fell from hers as he sat upright. "I called you in Rome several times. Someone named Andrew kept answering. At first he told me that you were busy and you'd call me back. Finally he just said you didn't want to talk to me, that you'd moved on and I needed to do that, too, and quit calling."

Buffy curled her fingers on the arms of the chair, taking deep calming breaths. "I should have killed him back in Sunnydale. It's not what you're thinking, Angel. He and I never..."

"I never thought that," Angel interrupted. "There was just something in his voice, something that set my teeth on edge but I knew, never, you and he, never."

"Andrew's the one I was just telling you about." She briefly entertained the idea of pulping him.

His eyebrows raised. "The rapist kidnapper murderer?"

"Yeah, the wanna-be-Watcher. I'm not sure how I got elected to have him around. I'm sorry, Angel. I had no idea you had even called. He and Xander...well, if Andrew got along with anyone, it was Xander and you know how Xander felt about you. It hasn't changed," Buffy said regretfully. "I can only imagine Andrew envisioned himself saving me from you."

"All I really wanted was to see how you were and to tell you about my ...well, maybe not over the phone but it would have been nice to talk to someone who understood me," Angel said, the pain in his voice crystallizing into something hard and sharp.

"I'm sorry, Angel. If I had known..." What would she have done? Yelled at him for not giving her the space she asked for even though she knew all she wanted was to know he was still concerned for her? Run immediately from Rome to his side? Shown Andrew what it really meant to piss off a Slayer?

"Angel." Shea's voice cut off anything more they had to say to each other and Buffy could almost kiss her for it. She wasn't ready for so much emotional trauma. The last few months of finding Slayers had left her pleasantly numb, if occasionally lonely and disheartened, and she wasn't ready for what the last thirty-six odd hours had dealt her.

"Is he out of surgery?" Angel got up before Shea could answer.

The nurse just waved him on. Angel didn't need to be told the way to the recovery room. Buffy trailed along behind him, wishing she knew if he wanted to be alone with his son or would he want her with him. She decided to follow and if it looked like Angel needed to be alone she could always step out. That was better than him thinking she didn't care.

Somehow Connor looked even smaller lying there on the bed, covered only with a thin, white blanket. For the first time she could see his face fully, without that horrible thing taped over his mouth. He had such perfectly bowed lips, nothing at all like the manly slash of lips his father had. He looked even less like he could possibly be related to Angel. But the way Angel stroked his son's cheek, looked at him with so much love Buffy didn't think the recovery room was big enough to hold it all, she knew the father-son bond was there.

"Hi, Connor. How do you feel?" Angel asked softly, his hand cupping the young man's chin.

Connor just looked at him then his head fell to the side, his gaze unfocused. Buffy saw the light in Angel's eyes dim. She knew he was hoping to hear Connor say something, wanting it too much and now that he didn't get it, a fresh wound had been torn into him.

"I know you're probably in a lot of pain but that'll go away now that those awful pins are out of your legs. I bet your mouth is dry but it'll feel a lot better soon. Can you talk to me, son?" Angel held Connor's hand.

Buffy saw no signs that Connor was even listening to Angel. Angel dropped his son's hand and smoothed his hair.

"That's okay, Connor. You just rest and they'll take you home soon," Angel said and Buffy heard his voice breaking, thick with emotion. Angel turned on his heel and brushed past her and Shea. The nurse called his name but he didn't stop. Buffy went after him. She caught his hand and he pulled free roughly.

"Angel, stop. Talk to me," she ordered, not going to let him walk away.

He whirled on her, his eyes hot. "About what?"

"I know you wanted to hear him talk to you, Angel but maybe he's just too groggy from all the anesthesia and everything. Give him time," Buffy said but saw in that instant she should have stayed behind with Shea. Angel wasn't in the mood to listen to reason.

"Or maybe there's nothing left of him and the only thing I've done is saved his shell, condemned him to a life worse than death," Angel spat. "Maybe the only thing he has left to look forward to is a long life of pissing into that tube and crapping in a diaper while I feed him through a tube while he gets bedsores and pneumonia's from just lying there." His jaw clenched. "Maybe I should have let him die."

"And maybe you should just give him some time, Angel. I'm not even sure that people can talk so soon after getting a tube pulled out of their throat," she said gently. Buffy wanted to tell him it would be all right but she couldn't.

"And you'd know that how? Find time to finish that medical degree somewhere along the line," he snarled, whipping back around, stalking down the hall.

"Angel!" She trembled slightly, unprepared for the anger.

He turned just long enough to hold up a warning hand then continued on his way. Stunned by the sudden change in him, Buffy just let him go. Suddenly she was aware of how cold the hospital really was.

"I know it's cold comfort but his temper's been like that since he got here," Shea said, sounding unfazed by Angel's display of fury.

Buffy turned, looking at her with watery eyes. She realized the Watcher had to have heard it all. "That cruel?"

"Crueler sometimes since he was so often drunk and blaming himself for everything. I've spent a lot of time cleaning up his messes and kicking his dumb arse around. Jaysus, he can be an idiot some times," Shea said.

Buffy tried to imagine what Shea had been putting up with and decided she didn't want to know. "But he might also be right about Connor."

Shea shrugged. "Possibly but do you really think that he is?"

Buffy spread her hands. "I don't know. I've only seen Connor twice but I thought he liked me reading to him. I thought I saw a change in his face but maybe that's just because I wanted to believe that. Maybe I was fooling myself...maybe Angel was doing the same thing."

"Maybe but mostly Angel's feeling sorry for himself. If he comes home, pissed and stinking, I'm sending you to kick his arse," she said, sounding tired of the vampire. Buffy wondered if Shea was afraid all the time with Angel in her house.

"Gladly." Buffy's face went grim. "Your sons were coming today, weren't they? Maybe you should cancel, with Angel in this mood. I mean, that's why they're really at their grandmother, isn't it?"

"Yes and no. They've been about some evenings when Angel's been gone and they like spending time with Connor. They've yet to meet Angel. I thought it better that way. However, my sons can set vampires on fire. It was one of the first spells we taught them," Shea said. "Angel will probably mope underground the rest of the day and go out all night to the pubs." Shea put a hand on Buffy's arm. "Did you drive here?"

She shook her head. "I don't really drive."

"I'll drive you home once our wee man is ready to go. Come on, we can sit with him even if his father can't."

Buffy nodded, following Shea back to the recovery room. She didn't know whether to be angry with Angel or to pity him. She decided to do both.


	3. Galway by Night

CHAPTER THREE

Trying to find a way to spend the day and not get angrier at Angel, Buffy spent a good deal of time on the phone with Giles, making sure to relay Shea's request for a visit from him. The Slayer was fairly sure Giles was ready to burst with curiosity about the son of two vampires and probably already would have been in Galway if his duties weren't keeping him so busy. She also killed time talking to both Faith and Willow to get an idea of what Connor was like and decided to be 'less-bitchy-Buffy' and not lay into them for keeping her in the dark.

Stubborn, sullen, broody, head strong, inherited sneer, too strong to be a boy, Slayer strong, androgynous; Faith would have suggested checking downstairs to make sure he was a boy if not for the hormone dance he had done around her. Buffy wondered if Angel had a clue that Connor had been attracted to Faith during those days they were trying to bring back the vampire's soul. Should she tell him? He might not want to know. Would she have even liked Connor had she known him? Buffy wasn't sure.

She contemplated calling Wesley and finding out what he thought of Connor but then she would have to talk to Spike. The last time they spoke on the phone had been oddly uncomfortable. Buffy wished Angel would come home but he was probably somewhere underground being stubborn, sullen, and broody and she didn't feel like chasing through the Irish sewers looking for him. Finally she went downstairs to see if Shea needed help with dinner.

The Watcher looked up from where she was adding Irish whiskey to a cake mix, hearing Buffy's inquiry. "I've got this. Just need to make the cake a wee bit drunk. Do you like caramel apple cake?"

Buffy's eyes lit up at the word 'caramel.' "I've never had it but it sounds delicious."

"You're not allergic to nuts are you?"

Buffy shook her head. "No allergies."

"Good." Shea started chopping apples. "Why don't you go sit with Connor? He gets fussy if he's alone too long."

Buffy knew a dismissal when she heard one. "Sure, I can do that."

Buffy was less than sure of that really. She had sat one too many bedside vigils and she had grown to hate them. Still, she felt sorry for the boy, trapped in the room alone, trapped inside himself with no one knowing how to reach him. She half hoped he'd be asleep when she went in but he wasn't. Buffy smiled at him as she sat down next to the bed.

"Just me again. Are you feeling a little better? I know how terrible anesthesia can make you feel, like you might start puking and never stop. Your dad doesn't get that since he's never had that done to him." Buffy said. "Do you feel like talking?"

He looked at her, shifting on the bed so his cheek rested against a stuffed bear someone had tucked in with him. At least he was more mobile now that the fixators in his legs were gone.

"I guess that's a no. I'm going to sound real strange just babbling to myself." She grinned.

Connor reached over the bars of the hospital bed, pawing at the night stand. His fingers brushed the novel resting there.

"Oh, you want me to read?" She touched the Potter book and Connor smiled. Buffy felt her heart lift. "Look at that. You can smile. I couldn't tell with that horrible thing they had helping you breathe. I bet you feel a lot better now that that thing's gone."

Connor rolled onto his back, giving her an expectant look.

Buffy had to tell Angel about this, Shea, too. Maybe this was normal for him but Connor seemed more animated to her. She had no doubt he was communicating with her. Maybe there was some brain damage and this would be all the better he got but she hoped not. Even at this, she knew Connor was aware enough to follow what she was saying and Angel needed to know that.

She read to him until Shea came in. Buffy smiled at the Watcher. "I think I've got a new friend." She nodded at Connor.

Shea laughed. "He does like to be read to, don't you?"

Connor looked over at the nurse.

"How about some more water? I know you must be happy to be able to have some water after so long." Shea reached past Buffy and poured a little water into a cup filled with sticks. Buffy saw there was a star-like sponge on the end of the sticks. Shea put one of them in Connor's mouth swishing it around. He caught it in his teeth, sucking at the sponge. Shea's freckled face lit up. "There's a boy. That feels good, doesn't it?" Shea traded him sponges, tossing the used one. Connor sucked greedily at the fresh sponge. "If you do good with these, the doctor said we can give you ice chips starting tomorrow. I'm betting you'll like those, my wee man. It's time for Connor's supper, Buffy. I'm not sure if you want to stay for that."

"Does he mind?" Buffy asked Shea then looked at Connor, "Do you? I can go but I'd like to stay and maybe we can read a little more afterwards if Shea doesn't need me downstairs."

Connor just looked at her.

Buffy glanced over at Shea. "Is that an okay?"

Shea nodded. "Connor will let you know when he doesn't like something. He does tend to hit a little when he gets mad. Now, he doesn't like what I'm going to do next but we have an understanding, don't we, Connor? I don't mean to hurt him and he doesn't try to hit me for this."

Buffy's eyes widened, not sure what Shea was talking about. "Is it something I can help with? I mean, I can take a hit a little better than you."

"Connor's healing abilities try to reject the feeding tube so we need to wiggle it a bit. It keeps the wound a little raw but it keeps it from closing off," Shea said.

"That has to hurt," Buffy whispered, trying to imagine what Shea was talking about.

"It does." Shea pulled on latex gloves and folded the bedding down, tucking it around Connor's narrow hips. She tugged up his shirt and Buffy tried not to stare. She hadn't been prepared, even with what Shea had said, for the tube that punctured Connor's abdomen. The flesh around it was red and angry-looking. Shea took the tube in hand and twisted it.

Connor's fists balled up in the sheets and he moaned loudly. Buffy covered her mouth, looking on in horror. This was something you did to torture people. Shea stroked Connor's side.

"I know, little one. It hurts. That's it. I'm done. At least we don't have to do the leg-thing any more. That's a little less pain for you." Shea gestured to the dresser. "Buffy, could you get me a can of the food?"

Buffy did and stood beside the bed as Shea opened it and started pouring it into the tube. Buffy turned so she could look at Connor's face, trying not to even think about what the 'leg-thing' was. She took his hand, surprised as he squeezed her fingers. There was understanding in his eyes, grief. She stroked his hair with her free hand. "Shea, does this hurt him? He's squeezing hard."

"I'm not sure he knows how strong he is some days," Shea replied. "This part doesn't hurt. At least now I no longer have to turn the knobs on the fixators to stretch the bone so he won't have to endure that pain. The fractures were so bad the bones crushed down and needed pulled back into shape."

Buffy shuddered. That must have been the 'leg thing.' She didn't want to dwell on how much that had to hurt.

"And hopefully if he tolerates the ice chips, we'll move to feeding him this liquid sludge by mouth. I can't promise it'll taste like chocolate though, Connor, no matter what it says on the can." Shea smiled at him.

"And then the tube comes out?" Buffy asked sharply.

"Then the tube comes out." Shea said as the front door opened downstairs.

"Mum! We're home."

"I'm upstairs, boys. Go make yourselves comfortable. I'll be down," Shea called. "Want to meet the boys, Buffy?"

"Of course." She patted Connor's shoulder. "But I'll come back and finish reading to you."

He smiled at her again. Buffy looked at Shea as if to say 'see that.' She followed Shea downstairs. Shea's sons were friendly and funny. After reading Harry Potter to Connor, Buffy couldn't help but think George and Fred Weasley when she talked to Ryan and Scully. The twins had reddish brown hair as opposed to carrot but they were almost impossible to tell apart. The fact they were both studying magic didn't help the image any. Buffy went back upstairs to let the boys visit with their mom in private.

She read to Connor more until Shea called her down to dinner. Buffy got downstairs in time to see Shea dumping a Guinness into a bowl of mussels. She had to watch the others for a moment to figure out how to eat the slimy things. She wasn't used to sucking things out of inky shells and if she thought about what they were, she probably couldn't have swallowed them down. That consideration aside, they were tasty. Buffy almost excused herself on some flimsy excuse when she heard that dinner was cod pie. The name alone scared her but the fish hidden under mashed potatoes wasn't too bad and the caramel apple cake, with whiskey whipped cream, was worth hanging around for.

"Mom, we're going to go watch _The X-Men _with Connor, okay?" Ryan said, or was it Scully? Buffy had no idea. "We thought it would be nice to spend time and you said he likes that movie."

"Of course. All the hardware is gone, just so you know. Be sure to talk to him and if Connor wants water, use the sponges. You've seen me do it before with other patients," Shea said. "Ask if he's thirsty."

"Is he talking?" Scully-Ryan asked.

"Not yet but if he says something, let us know," Shea said.

"Will do."

The boys raced upstairs. Buffy helped Shea clear the table.

"Those boys, you'd think they get tired of that movie by now," Shea said, wagging her head ruefully.

"Seen it a hundred times?" Buffy guessed.

The Watcher nodded. "Always arguing back and forth which of them is going to sleep with Anna Pacquin some day. I just tell them I don't care so long as I get Hugh Jackman."

Buffy laughed. "I might have to fight you for him."

Shea grinned. "Time to break out the bag of tricks then if I'm going up against the Slayer"

"Shea," Buffy said, turning serious. "Connor really does know what's going on, doesn't he? I mean he reached right over and hit the book when I went up there. He settled down when I started reading."

"I think he's in there hiding inside himself. I think it hurts too much to come all the way out into this world," Shea said, starting the dishwater.

"Angel's giving up too soon," Buffy said, defeated.

Shea shook her head. "He hasn't given up. He just expects too much too soon." She glanced out the window. "You'd think he'd be back by now."

"I'll go look for him," Buffy said, "unless you need me to do dishes or something."

"Go. The boys will be occupied for the next few hours. I'll get the dishes. Start with the pubs. If you're lucky, he's not in the nastiest places. Sometimes he get all nostalgic and goes to the King's Head."

Buffy wrinkled her nose. "Nostalgic?"

"The King's Head's been a pub since 1649," Shea said. "Angel used to go there as a young man. He likes the Blind Cat, too."

"Another place he spent his youth?" Buffy guessed.

"Aye."

Buffy sighed. "At least it's a place to start."

Buffy simply started checking the pubs closest to the house in Salthill and worked her way towards Eyre Square, the one place in town she figured she might be able to find in the dark. There was something creepy and off-putting about the narrow, and occasionally medieval, streets at night. Maybe she had grown too used to the openness of the Sunnydale avenues. She would hate to get in a fight in Kirwan Lane. There was no room to maneuver.

Buffy got a bit turned around in the heart of Galway City, after not finding Angel in any of the Salthill pubs. She spotted St. Nicholas' church and knew there was a graveyard not far away; Slayer force of habit, memorize where the cemeteries were. She headed that way figuring she might as well do her duty while she was searching for a presumably drunk Angel. She only found one vampire in the cemetery and didn't have the heart to stake him even though she thought maybe he had totally lost it since he was sitting on the grass, talking to the headstones.

"I just don't know what to do. Sometimes I think I should send him on to be with you, Kathy."

"That would probably be a mistake," Buffy said and Angel twisted on the grass, looking up at her, startled. "You're giving up way too soon, Angel. Connor's not a lost cause."

Angel turned from her, looking back at the headstones, crooked and cracked with age. Buffy sat next to him, putting a hand on his back. He didn't look up from the stone that simply read "Kathy, beloved daughter, taken too soon."

"Angel, I know this is hard...so hard I can hardly grasp it because I don't have children." She paused for a moment and thought about how to say what she wanted to without sounding pretentious. "But I know what I felt like when Mom was dying of a brain tumor, how helpless I was while she was lying in that bed shrieking at things her sick mind was hallucinating. Sometimes I did just want it to end and I've never said that to another living soul before." Buffy caressed his shoulders, and he wouldn't look at her.

"Sometimes I just couldn't go back to the house, even though I knew that I was leaving poor Dawn in there alone with Mom. There are times I think Riley did more for my sister than I did and I hate myself for it. I couldn't accept I wasn't able to help Mom, that some things are out of my control." She felt so cold insider, revisiting that pain.

"But you didn't bargain with mystical doctors to put your mother back together," he said so softly Buffy almost missed it.

"No, but I bargained with regular doctors to save her," Buffy said, shifting on the grave she sat atop, her right buttocks sinking into a square stone-buttressed hole over the plot. "And in the end, even when we thought it was going to be all right, it wasn't. But the thing is, we never gave up, no matter how hard it was. And I know that Connor isn't beyond hope."

He turned and looked at her. "What makes you so sure?"

Buffy shifted again, leaning on the headstone to get away from the hole. "Because of what he did when he got home and slept off all the anesthesia, which by the way makes you really sick, just in case you didn't know. I doubt even I would have said anything to you fresh out of surgery." She gave him an angry look. "I went up to talk to him. Connor knew what I wanted, Angel. You could see it in his eyes. He's aware of what's going on and he deflected me by having me read to him."

Angel's fingers tore at the grass. "In other words you went up there, he stared at you and you figured it was easier to read to him than deal with that."

Buffy shoved him hard. "No, I mean he reached over the edge of the bed and slapped the book when I asked him to talk to me then he settled down waiting for me to do it."

Angel stared at her as if he didn't believe her, as if she had come looking for him just to lie to him, to tear out his heart for all the past wrongs he had done. "He did?" His voice was so tight Buffy could barely recognize it. "He can't even move."

She took his hand, leaning forward a bit. "He did. Don't give up yet, Angel. And of course he wasn't moving much before. How could he with all that metal in him and that thing down his throat?"

Angel made a strange noise. It took Buffy a moment to realize he was choking back a sob. His huge hands covered his face as he crumpled. She caught Angel, dragging him against her. His weight crushed her against the headstone. She stuck a heel in the square hole and maneuvered herself better so the engraved lettering of the grave bruised her less.

She remembered the last time she and Angel had been in a cemetery. It had been her crying uncontrollably over her mother's grave and Angel had been holding her. Now the situation was reversed, but he had the luxury of the hope Connor could get well. It felt awkward holding him, his tears trickling down her neck but the awkwardness was purely physical, her slight frame trying to hold him up. It had been a long time since she thought about how big Angel really was. Emotionally, being here to comfort him felt perfect, felt totally right, nothing awkward about it. She soothed his back and hair, rocking him, ignoring the sharp pain in her back from the tombstone.

Finally Angel sank from her grasp and spilled out onto the grass next to her. He wiped his face. "Sorry."

She reached down and ran a hand through his thick, stiff hair. "You have nothing to be sorry for."

"I thought when I came to see my family last time...that I was getting better." Angel's hands raised then flopped back down impotently. "I thought I could handle this."

"And you got your hopes dashed today. I understand that." Buffy sat up, rubbing the small of her back. "You just have to be patient, which I know isn't always your strong suit."

He gave out a choking laugh. "Not always."

Buffy thought maybe distracting him from his pain was the best way to go. "Do you remember the last time we just held onto each other? It was a cemetery like this."

"You told me to stay with you forever," he said softly, rolling onto his side so he could look at her. "I'm still sorry about your mom."

"Thanks. Only last time it was you getting words imprinted on your back from a headstone...or was there a tree there? I can't remember." Buffy tried to pull up the memory but all she had was pain and the warmth of his embrace. "Now I'm going to have the name..." She twisted and saw the words "Liam, beloved son 1727-1753." She spun back around. "Oh my god, is this your grave?"

"Mine. Kathy's, Mother and Father." Angel pointed them out in turn.

"Okay, you know this is uber-creepy right? I mean, I had my very own grave, too, but I never had an urge to hang out on top of it." Buffy shuddered.

"I was talking to my sister," he said as if that made perfect sense.

"You were twenty-six," she said, tracing the words with a finger. Had he even told her that? She couldn't remember.

"With the maturity of a fifteen year old," he said bitterly.

"What is this thing?" She thumped her heel on the square.

Angel sat up. "A vampire-staking hole. They suspected it was me stalking around the town slaughtering people, even though Darla made me replace the dirt so we could go undetected for a while. It didn't fool anyone since we killed too blatantly here, too soon after my death. Back then they believed that a vampire had to go back to his grave in the day."

"So they built a way to stake you safely in the day while you slept." Buffy leaned forward and cupped her hands over the stake shaft. "It's smart, only they didn't have it right. You didn't need native earth and all that junk."

"Unfortunately for them, no." Angel put his hands on Kathy's headstone. "I regret many of the deaths I delivered but none more than hers."

Buffy moved to sit next to him. "Your sister."

"She thought I was an angel...that's where Darla got my name." He made a face. "It seemed so funny at the time. Now I wonder why I even keep the name?"

"I guess after nearly three hundred years, it would be hard to change it now." Buffy covered his hand with hers, squeezing lightly. "You can't change what you did."

"I know." Angel's face twisted into a mask of pain. "But if she's listening, I wanted her to know about her nephew, so I've been coming here the last few nights to tell her about him."

Buffy looked over at the largest of the headstone, seeing something curious. It was engraved with a crest with cross on it with a sun to one side and a crescent moon to the other . A wavy star graced the top of the shield. "What is that?"

"Our family crest. How ironic is it that my crest has a cross and a sun?" Angel said sardonically.

"Martyn? Your name is Liam Martyn?" She smiled, trying not to laugh. "I'm sorry. It's not funny but I just...I wasn't expecting something so... I don't know."

"You were expecting something more 'top o' the mornin' to ye' like O'Brien or O'Reilly." He grinned, his accent finally fitting his heritage.

She shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

"My father was a merchant, an important one." Angel touched the sun on the crest. "We were one of the fourteen tribes of Galway."

"I've heard of them." Buffy shrugged. "I mean you can't walk around here and not see stuff about them."

Angel nodded. "Kirwan Lane, Lynch Castle. If you look around, you'll see Martyn family crests."

"So, you were like royalty, only not?" Buffy asked, liking the lightening of his mood.

He smiled faintly. "Sort of."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I guess. You're distracting me from my misery and I thank you for it." He touched her cheek. "And I'm sorry I squashed you against the headstone."

"It's okay. Do you want to go back? Shea was a little worried."

"Shea knows how I can get." Angel got up and held out a hand to Buffy. "I'm not ready to go back. I know that sounds awful but I need a break."

"I just got through telling you how I felt with Mom. Trust me, Angel. I know how you feel." Buffy dusted off her pants. "Want me to call Shea? The boys were watching _The X-Men_ with Connor."

Angel's eyebrows raised at that. "Well, I think Connor likes that movie. He seems to pay attention to it."

"Once Connor's feeling better, he'll be giving the twins a run for their money when it comes to competing for Rogue." Buffy tried to look encouraging.

Angel shook his head. "Jean Grey. Connor seems to like them older...or maybe it was just Cordy he liked." A shadow fell over his face and Buffy reached for his hand again.

She pulled him against her hip. "I'll call Shea and tell her I found you. Where do you want to go?"

"I was going to go to the Blind Cat."

Buffy smiled. "Shea suggested I look for you there or the King's Head."

"The Blind Cat's closer. I probably shouldn't go there so much but I do."

Buffy made her call and followed Angel to the bar. He paused looking down the street, a strange look on his face. Buffy wore one as well but it was more from disappointment that the bar wasn't some old building with a thatched roof and low ceilings like Hollywood had conditioned her to expect. Maybe the Blind Cat had been that once upon a time but now Galway City had grown up around it, swallowing it whole. It was part of row of storefronts.

The inside was low-ceilinged and crammed with smoke-darkened wood, far more like she was expecting. Old tobacco smoke seemed to ooze from the walls. It wasn't overly crowded, mostly older men who looked at her curiously as Angel made his way to the bar.

"The usual?" the bartender asked and Angel nodded.

The vampire looked down at Buffy. "What would you like?"

Buffy figured she'd make no friends if she admitted she didn't like whiskey and this place didn't look like it would serve sweet 'girlie' drinks. "I'll have a beer."

"Make it two then, Colin," Angel said and the bartender poured two pints of stout. The long ribbons of black liquid were so thick they appeared to trickle like honey from the tap as it filled the glasses, making Buffy nervous.

Buffy had no idea if she was supposed to drink it or polish shoes with the stuff. She took a sip and the beer was so bitter she could barely swallow. She saw Angel was obviously have no such troubles. "You like this place?"

He nodded. "Always have."

"Is this like the other bar, ancient I mean?" Buffy could believe this place had been there for a long time.

"It was a pub in my day," Angel said. "I was a frequent patron."

"Is that why you had such a strange expression on your face just before you came in here?" Buffy was curious. She knew so little about his history and none of it good.

"There used to be an alley way down where I was looking." Angel took a long drink. "I was just thinking, if I hadn't been drunk off my ass, coming out of this pub with my friend intent on robbing my father, because I got along with him as well as my son got along with me, then maybe I wouldn't have gone down that alley."

Buffy leaned forward, capturing his hand against the wood of the old table. "Is that where you..."

"Died? Yes," he said it so simply Buffy was taken aback.

She felt a shiver run up her spine. "How can you come here then?"

"In some odd way it feels like a homecoming to me, and it's not a bad thing." Angel glanced around the pub. "I came to Ireland to find myself. I found a lot of my bad traits all over again but I found some of the good, too. It just took a while." Angel curled his fingers around hers. "I don't know how long you're planning on staying, but if you're here for a little while, I'd like to take you to the Roisin Dubh. It's a pub that has some of the best traditional music around and I'd like you to hear that."

Buffy smiled. "I'd like that. Shea suggested it, too, said something about it having good crack but I'm hoping that's not what I think it is." Buffy wrinkled her nose.

Angel laughed. " i Craic /I , it means good fun."

"Good to know. Now I have two Irish words, i craic /I and quarehawk," she said brightly.

Angel's eyes slotted. "Was Shea calling me quare again?"

Buffy giggled. "Yes, and she isn't wrong. You can be strange."

Angel's eyebrows raised. "I don't have to take that from someone who can't abide crusts on her bread and had to have them cut off and the bread pinched together so the sandwich wouldn't leak."

"You remember that?" Buffy's eyes widened.

Angel's face softened. "I remember lots of things, Buffy. I remember how bad you were in French even with me and Willow tutoring you and how you'd say the cutest unintentional things in that language...and some embarrassing things too and have no clue."

"Hey, so I'm not Rupert 'I can speak every language on the planet' Giles." Buffy pouted.

Angel smiled. "You exaggerate a bit but between Giles and I, and no doubt Willow in a few years, we can cover a good deal of it. I was always surprised how, in spite of loving language, Spike never could deal with new languages. He could pick up demons ones but human ones, hell he can barely speak English."

Buffy eyed him sourly. "I'm trying to picture Spike in love with language. You, yes, that's easy with all your books but Spike?"

"He never told you about writing poetry?" Angel seemed honestly surprised.

Buffy nodded. "You mean he was serious? Is he any good?"

Angel spread his hands. "I liked his poetry but I never told him. It was much more fun to make fun of him and watch him cry. Then Dru would go fret over him and be out of my and Darla's hair."

"You four must have been something else to live with," she said tartly, trying not to picture it.

"Like any family, we had our fights and our triumphs...which for a Slayer those triumphs are what keep you busy at night," he said ruefully. "And I see I'm going to have to teach you how to drink Guinness." He pointed to her untouched beer.

Buffy made a face. "It's a little bitter and thick."

"You should be able to put a coin on the foam and not have it break through."

"That's not a selling point, Angel." Buffy tried another sip. "It tastes like liquid bread."

"A good beer is supposed to." Angel frowned at his pint glass. "I miss that taste."

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, though she wasn't really sure it required a response. "Do you think we should head back soon?" She pushed her beer to him.

Angel took it and drank heartily. "Probably. I usually stay out longer."

"I guess that makes sense with the way you're trapped inside all day," Buffy said.

Angel polished off the beer in a few long swallows then got up. "Let's go. Connor might still be awake. I should see him. He seems to get afraid if he's left alone. I can always come back out later. I won't do anything stupid, promise."

"I'll hold you to it." Buffy followed him outside and back toward Salthill. "Did you love her, Angel?"

He glanced down at her. "Darla? I tell myself I didn't but in some ways, yes. She just never made me very, happy which I suppose is how I made you feel back in Sunnydale."

Buffy looked away. "Sometimes, yes but not always and I loved you."

"I know. I didn't love Darla at first. Hell, I didn't even know her. She had been stalking me, knew I was dumb enough to go down a dark alley after a woman without even thinking about what was a rich lady doing out at night alone," he said, in a 'I'm kicking myself' tone. "We were together for a very long time, Buffy but she couldn't handle the soul. She ran when I needed her most. I understand it now but I was very afraid back then, half insane."

"I can imagine. I saw what getting a soul did to Spike," she broke in, even though she knew she probably shouldn't bring up Spike. "He was out of his head."

"So was I. I guess I did love her a little. She loved our child even though she didn't want to. She wanted it gone but nothing could end the pregnancy and trust me, she tried everything," he said without recrimination. "She couldn't bear the effects of Connor's soul as it wove itself into her. She killed herself so he could be born. He was dying inside her and she made her choice."

"I can't imagine how hard that must of been," Buffy said, feeling pity for the vampire in spite of what she was.

"She said he was the only good thing she and I ever did together and she was right.' Angel paused. "I never told Connor that."

"Why not?"

"Because sometimes I'm an idiot," he said. "And when he came back, Connor hated me and I wanted nothing more than to tear out everything Holtz had put into him and make him mine again. I forgot that he didn't know me, that he feared me. I should have told him what his mother said, how much she loved him. Instead, all he heard was Angelus telling him Darla staked herself because she didn't want to hear his whiny little voice. I didn't tell him about her love until it was too late, until he was there in the mall with a bomb around his waist."

Buffy heard his agony and slipped her arm around him.

"All he wanted was to die, Buffy. He thought nobody could love him, that we'd be better off without him. He said I tried to love him but the way he said it...he didn't believe that I actually did."

Buffy pulled him to a halt. She reached up and caught his face in her hands, pulling him down. Her lips brushed his. "I believe it. And you and I both know what it's like to think a parent doesn't care. Tell me there were times you didn't think your father didn't love you," she demanded and his eyes closed. "I'm pretty damn sure mine doesn't love me. He didn't come to Mom's funeral. He didn't come to mine and he sure as hell didn't take responsibility for Dawn. I know what a lonely place it is thinking your parents don't want you. So, you go home and tell Connor what you're telling me. It's not too late, Angel. Maybe that's what he's waiting for. Maybe that's what he really needs to heal completely, to know he's loved and you want him in your life. Sometimes actions aren't enough and we need to hear it."

Angel swept her up in his arms, pulling her off her feet. His cheek fit alongside her neck. "Buffy, even if you leave tonight, you've helped more than you know."

Buffy just hugged him, not knowing what else to say. She was glad she had helped. Had she done enough? Could she do more? She had only planned on staying as long as Angel needed her help, not anticipating the size of his problem. Should she stay with him? Did she need to get back to work? Could she do both? Was she burying her own problems, shunting them aside so she could help him and pretend her own pain didn't exist.

Angel fell into a silence that worried her as they walked along. She couldn't read his face well in the streetlights. What was he thinking? She could only hope that he was pulling back out of his depression.

Shea was back watching TV when they arrived home. She got up, coming over to them. "I see you're in better shape than most nights." She gave Angel a critical eye. "The boys are still up with Connor, all three of them asleep in front of the TV the last I looked. Let me go rouse them."

"It might be less scary that way." Angel smiled gently.

"Yes, we don't want them to freak out and set Angel on fire," Buffy said.

"Uh, what?" Angel shot her a surprised look.

"The Weasley twins know a bit of vampire flambé magic," Buffy replied, trying not to grin at Angel's nervous expression.

Shea laughed. "Their parents both come from families who've been Watchers and mages for centuries. The boys know some spells. They can handle a vampire...from a safe distance."

Buffy paused in the doorway seeing one twin asleep in the chair while the other was across the foot of Angel's bed. Connor was twitching and moaning in his bed like he was battling something. It made Buffy instantly nervous. "Shea..."

"He's just having a dream, Buffy. He has some bad ones judging from his reactions," Shea replied.

Angel went over to Connor's bed, and gently touched his shoulder. The young man woke, thrashing. Angel just caught his hands and put them down at Connor's sides. "It's okay, Connor. You're safe."

Buffy saw Connor's blue eyes darting around as if he didn't know where he was. Shea woke up her twins and Buffy watched them study Angel part in awe and part in fear. Buffy smiled at them. "He doesn't look too vicious, does he?"

"We read about the order of Aurelius," Scully said, or was it Ryan? "We know what he was like."

"But Mom said he's pretty tame now," the other twin said.

Angel laughed. "Oh good, I'm quare and tame. There's a good Watcher's footnote for you."

"Away with the two of you. Time to find your beds," Shea said, waving her sons out of the room "Before your big mouths get you in trouble. How's our wee man, Angel?"

"Sleepy."

Shea went over to the bed and poured a little water into the sponge cup. "I'll show you how to do this in case the ice chips don't go well tomorrow. Connor, would you like a little water?"

Connor opened his mouth like a baby bird expecting a worm. Shea popped in a sponge and he sucked the water out of it. The nurse let Angel try with the next sponge.

"Shea, if Buffy's going to be around for a few more days I'm planning on taking her to the Roisin Dubh. If Fiona can watch Connor, I'd like you and the boys to come, too," Angel said.

"I'd love it," Shea said, heading for the door. "The boys love the pub, maybe a bit too much."

"Mom used to worry about me going to the Bronze, a club back home. Mostly the teenagers just went for the music. At least you have a few years before you have to worry about them drinking in the pubs," Buffy said.

Shea laughed. "Not as many as you think, Buffy. Eighteen is legal drinking age here. Hell, my boys are already legal to have sex and trust me, I'm nowhere near prepared for that either." The Watcher's eyes twinkled as she left the room.

"Things are a bit accelerated here." Buffy made a face. "Dawn's not allowed to visit."

"She's in England? Same rules apply." Angel smiled at her.

Buffy sighed. "Are the English as married to alcohol as you Irish? I've yet to find something Shea doesn't put alcohol in. It was in the cake, in the mussels, just plain in the glasses. I'm surprised she hasn't wet Connor's sponges with Guinness. 'Here my wee man, a little beer. You're legal'," Buffy said in a bad Irish accent.

Angel laughed. "It's not as bad as that."

Buffy smiled. "Well, the whiskey cake was delicious. I should go see if there's more left. But it's true, Connor's legal here." She pulled up the bedding that Connor had kicked to the bottom of the bed. He watched her intently.

Angel shook his head, slumping into the seat. "If Shea thinks she's not ready, it's nothing compared to how unready I am for the idea of Connor drinking. I don't think he's ever had alcohol, unless he stole some from Gunn when I was busy fish-spotting." Angel looked at Connor. His son gazed back but offered nothing.

Buffy put a hand on his shoulder. "Why don't I leave you two alone so you can sit with him while he's awake before you go back out? It's been a long day for me. I just want a nice long bath."

"Thanks, Buffy, for everything."

She kissed his cheek then whispered. "You're welcome and I know you can't tell me after seeing how he went after that sponge that he's beyond hope. He knew exactly what Shea wanted."

Angel nodded. "I saw."

"Goodnight, Angel." Buffy picked up the bear from where it had fallen and put it back in bed with Connor. She touched his arm. "Goodnight, Connor."

Buffy decided to forget about the cake and went in to take that long, hot bath. She didn't miss that she did indeed have bruises on her back that vaguely spelt out Angel's name. She got one of the mystery books off the shelf in the guest room and settled into the hot water to read and not think about what she was going to do next. She was too tired and it was too hard. She would worry about it in the morning.


	4. Dad

CHAPTER FOUR

Buffy headed downstairs after peeking in on Angel and Connor. The bedroom door had been slightly ajar. Both were sleeping soundly. A slender cat was stretched out alongside Connor. Buffy assumed that was the until-now-unseen Elf. Shadow was perched like a king atop Angel's chest. She had heard cats liked the warmth and movement of a human's chest. She wondered what Shadow was getting out of Angel who lacked both.

Shea and her sons were in the kitchen eating. The Watcher smiled up at her. "Mornin,' Buffy. Sit down and have some breakfast."

Buffy looked at the big bowls in front of them, dreading to know what might be hiding in them. "What's for breakfast?"

"Curach," Shea replied, not particularly helpful to Buffy who had no idea what that meant.

"Which is? And not to be rude, but if it has blood, liver, or fat in it, I think I'll just have toast," Buffy said, sitting down.

Shea laughed. "It's oatmeal with heavy cream and honey."

"No whiskey?" Buffy grinned.

"Och, aye, it has whiskey. That went without saying."

_Of course it did_, Buffy thought. Could Shea cook if someone pried the alcohol out of her hands? "Sounds good," Buffy said even though oatmeal wasn't her favorite.

"It'll get it for you." Ryan popped up, much to his twin's obvious consternation.

"I'll pour you some tea, Buffy," Scully said, not to be out done.

Buffy watched the boys fuss over her, catching their mother's sly smile. They settled down after she was served. The twins watched her like she was the newest animal at the zoo. Self-consciously, Buffy took a big spoonful of the oatmeal. It was better than she was expecting.

"Boys, she can't eat with you two staring. Shoo," Shea said, waving her sons off. They left reluctantly. "Sorry about that. You're now the next best thing to Anna Pacquin and Keira Knightley dropping by, wanting to double date."

Buffy laughed. "I'm in trouble."

"Boys and their hormones." The Watcher rolled her eyes. "They never change no matter how old they get."

"I believe that," Buffy said, thinking of Angel and Spike.

"You believe what?" Angel asked, coming into the room, surprising them.

"Did I wake you up? Sorry." Buffy gave him a sheepish look.

He waved her off. "I heard you close the door and I came back early last night anyhow. Been asleep too long. Why did you let the cat sleep on me?"

"He looked too comfortable to move." Buffy smiled innocently. "And we were talking about men and their uncontrollable hormones. It seems I have two new teenaged admirers."

"Understandable," Angel said, leaning on the doorframe. "And we can't help ourselves. It's true."

"If they get too unbearable, Buffy, just swat them one," Shea advised then canted her gaze up at Angel as if to say you can swat him, too.

"I'll take you up on that," Buffy said, seeing the twins peeking around Angel.

"Mom, if Angel's down here can we go cast that spell?" Ryan asked, his green eyes gleamed.

"Or at least take the poppet up," Scully added, as excited as his twin.

"Spell?" Angel asked, sidestepping so the boys could get into the room.

"The boys wanted to cast a spell to promote healing," Shea said. "But it requires the burning of a few herbs and I wasn't sure you would like that."

"What kind of herbs?" Angel asked. "Not that I'll say no in any event. Thank you, boys, for being concerned about Connor."

The twins smiled and Ryan said, "It's just cinnamon, eucalyptus and myrrh."

"That'll be an interesting smell," Buffy said wryly, wrinkling her nose.

"Like the church basement while the old ladies are baking pies after Mass," Shea remarked.

"I can stay down here for a while, maybe give your mother a hand with some of her research, so go ahead," Angel said and the boys took off.

"The poppet is just stuffed with lavender and morning glory in case you were wondering," the Watcher said, "to help ease Connor's dreams."

"It's really nice that the twins are so thoughtful," Buffy said.

"They've got good hearts in spite of the devilish brains," Shea said with a proud smile. "I'm afraid to think what they plan to do to Connor once he's well. I keep telling them he might be eighteen but he has no i.d. so they can not send him out for beer."

"Told you so," Buffy said, smiling up at Angel. "Ready or not."

"I'm not," Angel said decisively, his shoulders slumping.

"Don't worry, Angel, when all three of them go out on the town you and I can go to the Blind Cat and get pissed," Shea said, shoving a stray lock of hair out of her face.

Angel snorted. "It's a date."

"Is Connor still sleeping?" Buffy took another huge spoonful of curach.

Angel shook his head. "He woke up when I got up. He doesn't seem in a hurry to talk to me though."

"Give him time, Angel," Buffy said.

"Listen to the girl. We'll go up in a bit and see if he'll work with the ice chips," Shea said.

They wanted until Buffy finished her tea and breakfast before going up to the bedroom. It was pungent with the strong smells of eucalyptus and myrrh and an undercoating of cinnamon. All three young men were watching _Lord of the Rings, _though Connor's eyes seemed heavy.

"You two are going to wear him out," Shea chided gently as she put the head of the electronic bed up. She muscled Connor into a sitting position. She waved Angel over. "Connor, we'd like you to try an ice chip instead of the sponges today. Think you can do that?"

Connor's eyes fixed on the nurse then on his father's fingers as Angel offered up an ice chip. Connor's lips parted and Angel slipped the ice into his son's mouth. Connor sucked on the ice, a happy expression on his face.

"Does that count as a positive test?" Buffy asked.

Shea smiled. "Very much so."

Connor reached up and took his own ice chip out of the glass, startling Angel enough for the vampire to nearly lose his grip on the glass.

"I think he likes them, Shea." Angel had a goofy grin on his face that made Buffy glad. It was as if Angel's hope had been restored.

Shea pulled the tray table over the bed. "Set the glass down and let him help himself then. I can imagine that it feels very good to have something to lubricate the throat after weeks with that endotracheal tube in place. You keep working on the ice, Connor, and I'll call the doctor and tell him how good you're doing. Maybe we can try having you drink that supplement tonight and sooner than you know that tube will come out," the nurse said brightly.

A lump formed in Buffy's throat as she watched Connor touch his stomach, a look of abject pain on his face. She heard the little sound of Angel's breath catching as he tried to hold back his own sorrow.

"I know, little one." Shea touched his cheek. "But it'll be over soon, so long as you keep getting better."

Connor looked over at the petite cauldron that bubbled forth the aromatic smoke. Buffy had no doubt he understood what the twins must have told him as to its purpose.

"And I'll shoo everyone else out of here so I can brush your teeth for you. That'll be nice too after so many months," she said, looking at her companions. "And Angel, later I need to talk to you about the promenade. It's come to my attention that strange things have been happening there."

Angel nodded and everyone filed out of the room. The twins went up to the attic floor. Buffy knew that's where their room were. She and Angel went back down to the library, Angel taking refuge in the shadows.

"See, Angel? I think he understands us just fine," Buffy said, fitting in one of the overstuffed chairs.

Angel nodded, a depressed expression on his face. "I think you're right but that only makes it more disheartening that I can't make him talk to me."

"I'm sorry," she said, trying to find the right words to help. "I should call Giles now and make sure nothing's blown up."

"Buffy, if you need to go, I'll understand," Angel said, obviously saddened by the very idea, and suddenly leaving was the very last thing Buffy wanted to do.

"I was thinking, Angel, and I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me before, but maybe Connor's just not ready to rejoin this world. I mean, you said he wanted to die, that he was out of his mind with grief. I know when I was dragged back here from Heaven, the last thing I wanted was to be here. It took me a very long time to find the will to start living again. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm here for a purpose, even now," she said, her voice thick with emotion.

Angel's eyes reflected her pain. "I'm sorry you have to bear that sorrow."

Buffy shook her hair, her blonde curls falling down around her face. "The point is, it's hard to want to live again. You know that. It took a Christmas snowfall to make you see there were reasons for you to live. Connor's starting to see just how many people care for him. There are more people than just you in his life. It's obvious that Shea and the twins like him. But he hurt people in that mall. Maybe he thinks he killed them all. What if he remembers killing Cordy? You said he loved her. That has to be a very hard thing to live with."

Angel's bottom lip rolled inward as the vampire caught it with his teeth. "I hadn't really even thought about what's going through his mind."

"I should have thought of this before but Giles really helped Willow after she lost Tara. She didn't just try to wipe out a few hostages in a store. She tried to destroy the earth and, if not for Xander, she would have."

Angel's head snapped up at that. "Xander saved the world? The mind boggles."

Buffy snorted. "The point is Willow was in a very bad place but Giles and his friends helped her. Why don't we ask him if he could help Connor?"

Angel glanced away. "I hurt that man so much, Buffy. I can't see why he'd help more than he already has."

"Because he's Giles and that's what he does." Buffy shrugged. To her, it was that simple.

"He has all of the Watchers' Council to run now," Angel said, obviously preparing himself for a negative answer.

"So? Some Watchers survived. He could even ask Wesley for help. You lose nothing by asking. I can do it for you," Buffy said, thinking Giles would probably love to at least try if for no other reason than Connor's uniqueness.

Angel smiled at her. "Thank you."

Shea came into the room. "I put the ice chips away. Connor looked a little sleepy so I told him to go back to sleep. Are you two okay?" The Watcher looked between them, sensing the tension.

"We're fine," Angel said. "We were just talking about asking Giles for some help. He really helped one of Buffy's friends…um, psychiatrically speaking."

"Ah, Willow. Yes, Rupert might have some excellent insights for helping Connor." Shea smiled wickedly. "Tell your Watcher to make sure he brings his leather coat and his earring because I have someplace he can wear both."

Buffy's eyebrows reached for the stratosphere. "Are we talking about the same Giles?"

Shea laughed. "Dear, the things I could tell you about your Watcher."

"Ooo, I'm not sure I'm ready to hear them." Buffy shuddered.

Shea took a seat. "Well, let's talk about the weirdness at the promenade. It might be a place you'll want to patrol, Buffy."

Buffy readily agreed. Talking shop was much safer than thinking about places Shea would take Giles with a leather coat and earring. It was far too much like realizing her parents had once had sex. In the end, she agreed she and Angel should patrol the promenade, then Buffy called Giles and left him a message about helping Connor if he could.

"Oops, forgot my favorite knife," Buffy said, as she and Angel were ready to head out on patrol. "Be right back."

Buffy jogged upstairs. After retrieving her weapon, she heard something in Angel and Connor's room. She peeked in and saw Connor thrashing about on the bed obviously in the grips of another nightmare. Buffy went over and touched his arm. "It's okay, Connor. It's just a dream."

His eyes flew open and he sat up, his mouth wide uttering a guttural cry. His whole body quaked.

"You're okay. Dreams can't hurt you," Buffy lied, remembering one little boy's coma dreams that nearly ended the world, back when she first moved to Sunnydale.

Connor reached out to her and Buffy took his hand. He yanked her down onto the bed with him, far stronger than she expected. He crushed himself to her, his arms like vise grips around her, then he unmistakably said, "Dad!" Connor dissolved into tears.

Clinging to him as hard as he was to her, Buffy twisted and screamed, "Angel! Shea! Come quick."

Buffy rocked the boy in her arms, hearing Angel thundering up the stairs. He burst into the room, his eyes wild.

"What happened to him?"

Buffy held out her hands to Angel. "He was having a nightmare. Get over here, Angel." Her hands went to Connor's face, stroking his cheeks. "It's all right now, Connor. Look, he's here."

Connor's tear-streaked face lifted away from the crook of her neck. "Dad?"

Buffy wasn't sure if Angel had said a word in a language she didn't know or if it was just a strangled cry but she found herself caught up with Connor in Angel's big arms. She managed to disentangle herself from him and slip away from the family unit. Seeing Angel weeping as he cradled his child, Buffy just stroked his back once and followed Shea out of the room.

The women went downstairs. Shea sat down on the couch. "Looks like someone's finally ready to come back to this world."

Buffy nodded. "I'm so glad. I wasn't sure Angel could make it much longer," she admitted. "And at least Giles will be here tomorrow. I think he'll be needed."

"Aye, the boy has a long way to go, probably farther than Angel realizes," Shea said. "But at least he won't have to go it alone."

"I know." Buffy gazed up at the ceiling, wishing there was more that she could do but realized this was time alone Angel needed. "I'm going to the promenade, Shea, in case Angel comes down and wants to know."

"Good hunting, Buffy."

Buffy didn't do much real patrolling as she strolled the promenade. Her mind was too occupied with thoughts of Angel and Connor. It was also hard patrolling a place she didn't know well. The advantage was definitely to the demons who lived here. She was staring out off the promenade at the bay, just thinking about how beautiful it was reflecting the silvery light of the fat moon, when she felt someone sidling up to her.

"It's a wonderful sight, isn't it?"

She turned, looking up at Angel, not really surprised he had come after her. "It really is." She slipped an arm around him. "How is Connor?"

"Asleep when I left. He didn't say anything more but that's all right. I know he will," Angel said, starting down the promenade with her.

"I'm sure you're right," she said, then her gaze swept back towards the clubs. "I haven't seen anything weird tonight."

Angel didn't answer her. He just tightened his grip around her waist. He led her to the end of the promenade. Buffy looked at the diving board that extended out into the bay.

"Do people really jump off that thing?"

"I think they're saying the bay's not safe to swim in any more. A shame really," he replied.

Buffy leaned against him. "Did you swim in it when you were Connor's age?"

"We didn't swim for fun back then, not like you do now." Angel laughed suddenly.

"What?"

"I was just thinking the other night about me and Sean Athy, a friend of mine and how we nearly met our deaths in the Claddagh Quay when we were boys."

"What happened?" Buffy wasn't sure why that would be funny.

He smiled at her. "We were diving for mermaids."

"Mermaids?" She bit back a giggle.

"There's a stained glass window in St. Nicolas church with mermaids. If it was in the church, we were quite convinced it had to be real." Angel looked out over the water. "We never found our mermaids."

"Probably just as well. Don't they drown people or something?"

"I think those are sirens," he replied. "Maybe mermaids, too, though I don't think either are actually real."

Buffy wiggled out of his grip, turning to face him. She took his left hand, her fingers resting over his claddagh ring. "I'm so glad Connor's starting to get better, Angel. I'll admit, I didn't know what to think when I got here, about Connor, about all of it, but I'm glad he's starting to recover."

"Thank you."

Buffy took a deep breath, reassuring herself she was about to do the right thing. "And I talked it over with Giles, I want to stay here with you for a while to help you and Giles and Shea to help Connor."

Angel's fingers intertwined with hers. "Are you sure?"

"Positive…" She swallowed nervously, not sure he wanted her to stay. She couldn't judge by his expression. "that is if you think I can be of help."

"You already have been." Angel pulled her to him, kissing her softly.

After the kiss, Buffy rested against him, looking out over the water. "Come on, there's something weird happening around here. You and I have to figure out what, just like old times."

He smiled at her. "Better than old times."

"I like that thought even more." Buffy sighed, feeling strangely at peace for the first time in a long while. Maybe she was doing a little healing of her own or maybe growing up, finding herself like she wanted to. Whatever else, Buffy knew she had made the right choice.

Author's Note - There is a third in the series planned but I don't have it started yet sadly.


End file.
